HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION

We will never understand Americans. They can agree that student loan interest rates are getting too high, agree that they need to do something about it, then disagree on how to pay for it. They can agree that debt is bad, agree that something must be done about their debt, then disagree on what to do about the debt. They can even agree that unwanted pregnancies are really not wanted, agree that contraception is a good idea, then disagree about the method to pay for it and those who should use it. This type of nonsense will never happen in our beloved Nigeria, the chosen people in our updated world ending plans.

When Nigerians agree that a road needs to be built and that is all that’s need. The next step for them is usually selecting a committee that will oversee the members of a subcommittee that will look into the feasibility of making sure the road is built on time. In Nigeria, the problem is never how to pay for something-they have all agreed that they should pay for it-rather, they are usually worried about the members of the committee that has been elected to look into the feasibility of making sure the road is built on time. Suppose your father was a Nigerian, his opponents will come out and give reasons he should not be on any committee that has to do with constructing the road, good reasons are given and they usually range from his credentials in university to untimely death, a grave concern.

And while Americans are busy worried about whether teachers can retire with a fund that grows at 5% interest when they are 60 or 4% interest when they are 59, Nigerians are concerned about their students never forgetting their teachers. For Americans, that 5% and 4% issue is a first world problem that works only for their Democrat and Republican parties. Democrats can say 5% is good because it is just reward for teachers, and Republicans can say 4% is better, the country saves more money. We advise that they should be like the Nigerians who decided a long time ago that the teacher’s reward is definitely in Heaven.

Today, to win an election is a simple case of ideology and Americans love ideology. They eat it when they are at dinner parties. In their political conversations, People’s Heaven and Hell futures have been revealed based on their ideologies. And book titles like “God is a Republican” or “Christ is a Democrat” make our Retraction and Denial Departments work overtime. May The Father help us.

There is only one way we have approved to winning elections, have no ideology. We approve of the example of Nigerians, as our chosen people, they have no ideology. In a country where the party name changes based on the frequency of how mad you can make the party’s chairman and convince him he can start his own party, who has time for ideology? The Democrat American is thinking to himself, we need to make the common man the center point in any election, the government has to favor him and big companies must stop robbing the poor; the Republican is thinking to himself, we need big companies to pay for things the poor can’t afford, if we tax the rich too high we send their business to other countries, the government’s favor should only be towards those who contribute significantly to the government. If you show a Nigerian this thinking he will agree with both (every Nigerian is a business owner and every business owner [by reason] is also a citizen).

We have said too much and written too little. We love America. But we want theirs to be the cautionary tale on how to win elections because there is only one approved method that we agree to, have no ideology. We ask all future presidential aspirants to become like Nigerians, a people we are proud of. For Nigerians, once they have a presidential vision, there is nothing that can stop them, especially an ideology.

 

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for The Heavenly Post

A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO NIGERIA’S PROBLEMS

In our ceaseless work to make sure eventual peace becomes a reality for every country in the world, we have filtered through man’s many problems to settle on one final problem which we believe is the source of every problem that plagues any country, the anthem.

Look at Nigeria’s example, the statement, “Arise O Compatriots” is bold. It assumes that there are Nigerian compatriots and wherever they are, they should rise up for identification. The only other erroneous statement this bold is that all liars go to hell and we know that is not completely true.

Our research opened our eyes to see that an anthem has to represent the heart of the people and the truth this heart beats into that country. A country’s national anthem is the only place it has to advertise itself to people who are willing to become members and at the same time, tell every other country in the world why it is the best country in the world. Alas, it is not because America has money on its streets that we get to answer the prayers of many immigrants who move there, the first line of the anthem reveals its secret to us, “O say, can you see…” and the rest of the world wants to see.

Or consider the Australians, theirs used to be the land of scoundrels, lowlifes and every other thing the Commonwealth thought not fit for good government. An island that used to be a prison, these band of scoundrels banded together in the name of freedom and in their anthem, it is shown in the first lines when they sing, “Australians all let us rejoice/For we are young and free.” And free they are since they are no longer scoundrels and riff raffs. They’ve transformed into something else, free men who make their former prison a haven. This is something we smile at up here. From the opening lines of their anthem, we can see an image of jubilant men and women who realize they all come from scoundrels and thugs but should not be referred to as such because they are free men and women.

So, when we think of Nigeria, we begin to see that the problem lies in the first lines. Arise O Compatriots is not correct since every compatriot of Nigeria is definitely not in the country. The highest plaudit in the life of a modern Nigerian compatriot is to belong somewhere else, this allows Nigerians the choice of saying they are from another place if something ever goes wrong-remember Abdulmutallab-after all, if no man can choose what country he belongs to, he should be able to choose which one he gives his allegiance to. It is also the reason the Son once famously said, “A prophet is not honored in his own home.”  Besides, the more we ponder on it, the more it seems that “compatriots” is too grandiose a word. In a country where not enough are educated, compatriots is us assuming the whole country knows its meaning. Our first proposal then is to change the word compatriots to complainers. This is the true Nigerian spirit. Every prayer we get daily, be it from a certain Mr. R- to the Most Venerable Reverend T-, it is usually a complaint, never thanks.

An anthem is a representation of the true state of the people and it shouldn’t seek to do beyond that which the people want it to. For example, when the Ghanaian people say, “God bless our homeland,” they are saying that they turn the affairs of their country to the Almighty and not the people of the land. Look where they are now. Recently, they discovered oil and the geologically inclined citizens amongst men know that oil does not just appear overnight. Then how can a land that has sat there since the beginning of the world just discover that it is sitting beneath black gold? Simple, it actually just appeared there overnight. It is The Father’s doing and it’s marvelous in their eyes. When a country’s anthem says, “God bless our homeland” miracles happen on the land, and beneath the land. And if you noticed, there is nothing in the first line of their anthem that calls them compatriots or fellow citizens. In fact, the prayer “God bless our homeland” can be prayed miles away from home. This gives Ghanaians the freedom to cease to be compatriots-if the need be- leave their country and pray, “God bless our homeland.”

For the Nigerians who keep calling their complaints prayers, we advise them to look into our research before they engage our Prayer Department’s resources for miracles.

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

UPDATE ON THE END OF THE WORLD

Ending the world is an event that we have been planning for at least 2000 years. We consulted with the Mayan people on this matter but our negotiations with them crashed when they stopped their calendar, confusing future generations with the conviction that the world will certainly end 2012.

The Council also consulted with various mathematicians on the matter, including a certain Mr. Newton who ever since his death has become respected everywhere in the world. Unlike the Mayans and their refusal to continue the calendar, Mr. Newton decided to go one step ahead of The Father and calculate what he assumed to be in The Father’s mind, marking his calendar for the end of the world at the year 2060. Somehow, he won a knighthood using the mathematical processes that led him to calculate The Father’s thoughts in the first place.

With the recent happenings in the world, we have decided to work with Nigerians in this matter. As they have recently become the Council’s favourite in being privy to the plans of The Father concerning the world’s end. The reason for this is their acumen in turning general information into profitable schemes. We are hoping that this peculiar skill they have might alert people to the fact we have been trying to pass across to humans since The Son rose from the dead; that no one knows when the world will end. Not even The Council.

In the past, when we alerted a race of people that we were about to start negotiation talks to prepare the rest of mankind for the world’s end, they simply brought out a paper, pen, and started calculating. The Mayans formed a calendar from this. Sir Newton, armed with the authority of his knighthood, proclaimed this. And even this man, tried to get it right, twice. This mistake has led so many to give up properties in hope that every time the end is predicted, it will truly end. But with the Nigerian, we are hoping this mistake can be avoided.

Why then, asks a certain Mrs. F-, would we want to give a country this exclusive right when we know that they can turn it into a money making scheme? The reason is simple: it is our observation that once people pay for something, they actually remember the hurt their pocket feels. Besides, as a country, we have observed that Nigerians have been more adept at noticing the signs of the end time than any other country. First, there is a huge amount of God fearing people living in there and second, these God fearing people live in the midst of the highest number of churches in the world-and many of these churches are coincidentally named “End Time Ministries”. This shows strong preparedness and zeal among the people and their expectation for the world’s end.

Thus, from today, we declare Nigerians our official representatives and negotiators in this end of the world matter. The sooner we bring the world to an end, the sooner there would be no need for predictions that fail. But for now, if you have any questions regarding when the world will end and how, please ask a Nigerian.

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

On Obama and the 666 Beast

An unfortunate outcome of Lucifer’s attempted coup d’etat up here was the unfortunate theft of the Idiot Farm, which we were using to test the depth of man’s wisdom in preparation for the Father’s utterance of the words, “Let us create man in our own image.”

Since the Idiot Farm has been in Lucifer’s possession, we have considered destroying man, tried to save man, and watched men do very idiotic things to one another. At the end, we decided to mitigate the releases of the Idiot Farm by releasing one of our strongest and most popular products, Common Sense. Ever since its release, Common Sense has shown wonders in how men can treat one another and has given great promise that there is hope for men after all.

Unfortunately, there are moments when the Idiot Farm releases a fresh product that almost derails the benefits of Common Sense. A recent product stems from the recent comments we have heard from people, Americans and non-Americans, that Obama Care is proof that the Beast is here, their reason being that RFID chips will have to be inserted in their hands and foreheads, the best places for the Beast’s mark to be on the body.

For people like Mr. E- who keep tempting The Father’s 100% record of answering prayers by praying stupid prayers like, “Father  do not let Obama Care succeed because of the Beast” we implore them to stop eating the produce of the Idiot Farm and invest more in Common Sense, it’s still free so price is not an excuse.

While we are not opposed to the law succeeding or failing-it is a matter of Common Sense-to pray for its failure because of Obama’s candidacy as the Beast shows us the type of stronghold the Idiot Farm seems to be holding in the lives of people. It seems people like Mr. E- do not read their Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth to see that we are not releasing the Beast until The Son arrives, after that, we assure people who are expecting the arrival of the Beast that we will release him according to schedule-assuming they choose to stay thereby ignoring their Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth.

For people who, from time to time, have tried to audition their presidents for the role of the Beast, we implore them to leave that job to us. It is our duty that the appropriate candidate will arise among men for this duty. But be rest assured that that candidate is not Obama, he does not fit our criteria.

 

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

On NSA and Facebook Stealing Our Business

Everyone knows that we have been in the spy business since as far back as man had his first thought. In fact, it is because of our prowess in the covert world of secrets that our Father was bestowed the titles Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent.

Our power has had great testament among the grieved people who have spoken to the Father in the pain of their grief and blurted out to the world and their enemies that, “He will avenge me.” And the Father has always done so.

A reason for this is because we are experts at remembering and we are experts at remembering because we record everything man does. It is for this reason that those whose minds create ways of doing things the Father frowns on keep requesting that the Father should turn His eye away from them while they do their despicable acts. But we all know this is impossible because once again, we are recording their despicable acts for future purposes-especially the Last Day.

While we have been using our powers to collect records on humanity for the purposes of the Last Day, we have observed that NSA wants to adopt the Father’s method of spying for their own purposes. As punishment for stealing and infringing on our business, we are considering supernatural action on them.

Our motto up here is simple, “For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither anything hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.” It has been our model of conducting business with man. It has been an effective weapon in the warfare of man vs. neighbour. And it has also been the effective method of recollection for every wife who has caught their husband’s eye straying to other women. Take a certain Mrs. E- who asked the Father to prove that her husband was considering how romantic it would be to have his neighbour’s daughter as a mistress. Our Father  simply recollected one of the many moments of Mrs. E- had caught her husband’s eye in the past and reminded her of this in a dream. The method did not fail when Mrs. E- challenged her husband and set him back on the path of monogamy. We make it obvious to the people that we are spying on them and use our intrusion as a tool for good. But once any organization gets involved, they want to do this covertly. They forget we created “covert” and have perfected it to the point where there is a general good involved.

And just because Facebook is trying out our model of business does not mean that we are willing to give NSA rights to take it to this new level.

Our consolation in this matter is that at least Facebook and NSA do not have exclusive rights to people’s thoughts-that will always be a heavenly privilege. Our concern is that NSA is trying to specifically model itself after the Last Day guidelines which state that, “Nothing in all creation is hidden…everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” If that is the case, we hereby warn them to cease and desist, lest we consider supernatural action.

 

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

WE SHOULD HAVE MADE AFRICA A COUNTRY

A certain Mr. K- recently asked The Father to split Nigeria. The Father thought about this request and called a meeting of the quorum that makes up the Council of the Elders of the Heavenly Host. In this meeting, Mr. K-’s request was deliberated upon and the Father wondered if it was not a continental mistake in the first place that He made Africa a continent, instead of a country.

Due to the fact the last time when The Father’s regrets were made public there was a great flood, we are not calling this decision a regret yet.

Rather than make this a solely political decision, we are guided by signs that have spoken to us due to the many complaints we keep getting from Nigerians, Ghanaians, Cameroonians, and other African ethnicities who have migrated to America and England where they are sometimes asked the question, “What is Africa like?” instead of “What is Nigeria like?” “What is Ghana like?” etc. The insult that they, members of a country, should be asked to represent a whole continent is something that has been perplexing. These Africans have also complained of discrimination and gross mistreatment from the tongues of their foreign counterparts. A good instance is when they are referred to in public, it is always, “That African man/woman” never “That Ghanaian man” or “That Togolese woman.”

Due to the nature of the Africa’s location, we understand why people in other countries will consider Africans wildlife experts. At the time of creation, it was believed that the Lion, Panthera Leo, had a better chance of survival in the dry, brown, stalks of the wild than in the cool temperate region of America. And though we refuse to address the caveman issue here, we determined that Adam’s descendants would be better off in a land where they would actually have a chance to survive snow and discover fire till they would later on discover electricity (it was all in the plan).

Unfortunately, it is a sad outcome that the people who still reside there are faced with political and economic strife that is advertised on American midnight television in the image of a malnourished child, or a baby with deformed lips, or even a healthy looking one asking for a donation of $10 to make Americans feel better about themselves. We do not condone this as our resource for miracles is and has always been endless.

Mr. K- should be aware that though the motivation of his prayer was born out of the political goings of his country, there is the greater problem here that once we grant his request, every country on the continent would start praying the same-Sudan was an extreme case. Thus we are considering that a permanent solution to everything would be to make Africa a country with its capital in South Africa-we love the image of Nelson Mandela representing everything that is good about Africa. From there, we can move forward.

Also, in the midst of all the uprisings going on in the continent, this seems to be the best solution. For now, we are not calling Africa’s status as a continent a regret yet, so there should be no panic about a flood. But we are considering actively the option while The Father wonders if we should have made Africa a country.

Signed,

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

On Plastic Surgery

About 0.004 days ago; 4 years in your world (remember a 1000 earth years is like a day in the heavenly realms), a joke circulated round the internet and came to mails near you. The joke goes thus:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. During the experience, she sees God and asks for more time on earth (like Hezekiah did) and God adds 30 years. Upon her recovery, she decides to stay back in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair colour. She figured since she had another 30 years to live, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last surgery and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives at Pearly Gates.

Source: www.rtt66music.com

She is led by an angel; Glith whom you met a while back to God’s presence where she complains “I thought you said I had another 30 years”. God replies, “I didn’t recognize you”.

Be rest assured that this is a joke as our Heavenly Father knows and recognizes every creation of His. In light of the Channel 4 program “50 worst plastic surgery shockers” on the 19^th day of June 2012, the Heavenly Council took a decision to once again reiterate the fact that it frowns at the rate at which citizens of Planet Earth undergo facelifts and surgeries. In the event you missed the program we have decided to give a brief overview of the program. The program highlighted the disasters of cosmetic surgery done by Hollywood stars and also revealed what such people would look like in the future if they keep up with their vain and appearance obsessed ways. It is not a coincidence this program aired at such a time as this.

We know how much you love the movie, fashion and music industries and would give anything to be like the people you see. We know that the media is awash with images that make even the sanest of you think once in a while about such procedures. We have however seen countless people lose their lives trying to be people they were not created to be. At this point, we can’t fail to mention a former First Lady of a country in West Africa. Nor can we forget those who have distorted their looks and look nothing like what the Father created them to be. The dangling noses, complexions 10x their original colour, eyebrows of different lengths, smaller mouths; Google has done a good job of putting up pictures of surgeries gone bad for your viewing. Some of such people include your beloved MJ, Melanie Griffith, Pete Burns and Jocelyn Widenstein.

We wish to once again remind you know that the Father loves you just the way you are. He created you to look in a particular way and for a particular purpose. Don’t go about trying to be who you are not. The wrinkles and all other changes you experience as you grow older are but a part of life. You are amazing just the way you are.

Signed,

Secretary to the Heavenly Council.

On Midlife Crisis and Handling it

The Father has asked us not to reveal the exact statistics on midlife crisis but we are willing to let a certain Mrs. J- know she is not alone in the storm she has to face as a result of her husband’s new habits.

It should be comforting to Mrs. J- though that we are always excited anytime we receive complaints of a man suffering from midlife crisis. The reason for our joy is obvious as we are the last and final stop in the midst of the crisis. At the end of it all, it should be assuring to Mrs. J- that her husband will come back home to her with The Father on his side.

The Father also wants to make it clear that in recent years, there has been an increase in the number of women suffering from the motions of a midlife crisis. Also the number of men complaining to the Father that their spouses are eyeing younger men has become something that needs to be addressed. For that purpose, we want the people to know we are developing certain products that will make sure marriages stay glued together.

Our Developmental Division Plant has been given this prestigious task and one of the products they have promised is called Everlasting Memory which will be targeted to spouses who have forgotten that one of the reasons they fell in love in the first place was that they were trim people who were expected to always look trim for the rest of their lives-within reasonable lengths of course.

Our Legal Team is also looking at the traditional marriage vow to see how they can be updated to fit the times-our prayer lines have been fueled by people asking the Father if a Facebook relationship is enough grounds for divorce. We choose not to answer that question here as each case is peculiar and the Father responds to each request personally.

We want Mrs. J- and women in her position to remain calm. The high volume of divorce permissions we receive these days in the name of midlife crisis has made it almost impossible to assure women and men that their suddenly adventurous spouses always return once they meet with The Father. Unfortunately, we also admit, there are some who never make this last stop with The Father as the youthful rejuvenation that younger person gives them is enough.

Finally, we tell everyone, don’t panic. Though the symptoms have become a newer and faster car, a sudden need to try extreme sports, the discovery that one has always been great at evasive tactics with questions (this can be traced to Adam and that evening when The Father asked him, “Where are you?”), it is not all these symptoms that point to a crisis. This, we stress more than anything.

To Mrs. J- be of good courage, your husband will return soon with The Father on his side.

Signed,

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN HIV

Ever since the FDA started deliberations on the approval of HIV prevention medicine, The Father’s prayer line has been stormed with questions asking if HIV is no longer a preferred punishment method from Him. We want the public to be aware that HIV was never a punishment method from The Father.

Though it is true that diseases have been used from time to time to correct the ways of man, Sennacherib’s army being an example, The Father has never been involved in using HIV for such purposes. Diseases from The Father have to meet the Triple Standard; they have to be swift, mysterious, and incurable. HIV does not fit The Father’s criteria since it is not swift, mysterious, and recently, preventable.

It is only those who are interested in staining The Father’s reputation that have been involved in spreading the rumor that He has been involved in punishing the world by sending HIV to curb the errant nature of man. The Father hereby approves this prevention pill and also provides it as proof that He is not interested in punishing men and women whose eyes cause them to sin regularly.

On behalf of The Father, we also make it known today that monkeys were never involved in the first case of HIV; to think that is sick, and to the humans who involve themselves in frolicking with animals, don’t tempt The Father, Sodom and Gomorrah is less than 2 weeks old in Heaven time.

The best form of prevention of the disease is abstinence and saying no to sharing implements the virus can live on-don’t worry, we won’t count your selfishness as a sin in this matter. We also use this oppourtunity to address the subject of abstinence for women who still ask if their pregnancy is a punishment from The Father. The answer is no, it is a gift that comes with the act. Abstinence is still the best protection (except for Mary-a Heavenly joke here, we hope you get it).

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host

AN AVENGER AFTER THE FATHER’S HEART

As Lord of all creation, The Father wants to make it public knowledge that He plans to recruit The Hulk for the eponymous event of Armageddon. This development occurred after The Father saw Hulk’s brilliant destruction of everything that stood in his way in The Avengers.

Contrary to public opinion, Armageddon is not an event we are particularly pleased to talk about. One of the reasons for this is that reminding people every time that it will take place dilutes the sudden effect its terror should have. Though The Father loves order, He retains the power to cause chaos when He wants to. And The Hulk has done us proud by showing both qualities while being angry.

The Father thanks The Avengers for fighting for the world with such devotion and character. The destruction of this world, Armageddon, is an event whose exclusive right is held by The Father. Hence, The Father does not take pleasure when a god, be it Loki or any other god, decides he wants to do what The Father will do.

He wants other avengers to understand that while they were not chosen for fighting on his side for Armageddon, He did consider them. Captain America could not make the cut because choosing him would mean The Father is showing favoritism towards America and it would be an obvious error to choose Thor. As for the rest, they are mere men-with a sharpened set of skills-who may or may not be alive when Armageddon takes place. But if the date is set before they die, The Father would surely look into a way to make them fit the plan.

The general public should be rest assured that just because The Father has an interest in The Hulk does not mean he will not be judged fairly like all other men. If The Hulk does not meet the minimum requirements for fighting in The Father’s army, he will be shown the way to hell.

Signed

Chief Spokesperson for the Heavenly Host